btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
