remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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