did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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