were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
