So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
