life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
