he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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