I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
