I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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