i will never coherently bang her
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
