i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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