i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize