xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
