The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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