Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
