and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
