A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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