May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Your cock deserves a montage
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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