I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
