I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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