Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
