We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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