you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
