Where did you get a picture of my penis
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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