with your own penis?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
