How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
