Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize