from now on my penis is your penis
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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