I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
