I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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