It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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