Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
