Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The chlamydia really affected his face.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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