I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
