Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
