its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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