whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
