I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
