Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
