Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
