So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
