My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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