I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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