I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
