I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
