Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
bring money and cleavage
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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