I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
