Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
