I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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