Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
