There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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