those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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