My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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