I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
