i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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