The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
They are going to name an STD after you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
