Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
