remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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