it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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